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hmmm [Jan. 1st, 2009|11:18 pm]
Kusari
Those who believe a certain belief as the only real truth see everything else in life through the spectacles of that "truth."

Those who believe that truth is more open-ended than that, wider and deeper than any specific belief can describe, see everything as a possible addition to the belief system, and a source of knowledge, growth, and happiness.

But ultimately, believing the world is one way, the former or the latter, is a specific belief. I feel the former is being attacked more and more in this postmodern day and age. Both sides will say the other "has it wrong," and I don't believe you can argue which is "right" based on tactile proof in this existence, neither do I think that "feelings" lead the way (as, in different eras, it has led people to zealously side with different sides).

"close-minded" is such an easy word to throw around. To call someone that... it's already closing the speaker's mind. I'm a fool half the time, so I just know that I know very little.

Future self, I write this simply because slight frustrations at hitting a wall in conversations with a person of a different belief. I wonder what you will be doing right now, future self, in your spiritual life...

Follow the two laws and there's no way anything can go wrong. The second one is the semi-popular one: love your neighbor as yourself.

toodles, (future) reader =)
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haha, seriously, another song? [Dec. 30th, 2008|03:14 am]
Kusari
"Gone" by Switchfoot

She told him she'd rather fix her makeup
Than try to fix what's going on
But the problem keeps on calling
Even with the cellphone gone
She told him that she believes in living
Bigger than she's living now
But her world keeps spinning backwards
And upsidedown
Don't say so long, and throw yourself wrong
Don't spend today away
Cuz today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is
Gone, just trying to prove me wrong
And pretend like you're immortal

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every day we borrow
Brings us one step closer to the edge (infinity)
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
If you get the world and lose your soul
She pretends like she pretends like she's immortal
Don't say so long
You're not that far gone
This could be your big chance to makeup
Today will soon be

Gone, like yeterday is gone,
Like history is gone,
The world keeps spinning on,
Your going going gone,
Like summer break is gone,
Like saturday is gone
Just try to prove me wrong
You pretend like your immortal your immortal

We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
We're so confident
In our accomplishments
Look at our decadence

Gone, like Frank Sinatra
Like Elvis and his mom
Like AL Pacino's cash nothing lasts in this life
My highschool dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn't last for long

Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash,
Life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred dollar bills
And roto-tom fills
Life's more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of the kings
End up in wills we got information in the information age
But do we know what life is
Outside of our convenient Lexus cages

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every moment that we borrow
Brings us closer to the God who's not short of cash
Hey Bono i'm glad you asked
Life is still worth living, life is still worth living

~~~~~~~~~

It's funny when one just grabs hundreds of songs off of friends. Sometimes I'm listening to a song that's surely played before in the background of my computer, but I never really listened to. I love the melody of this song, but actually listening to the lyrics impressed me much more than I thought they would. hmm

love ya, readers
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(no subject) [Dec. 27th, 2008|10:48 pm]
Kusari
Slow Fade

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

------------

Something to remember. Must guard what comes into my head, for invading thoughts do really lead to choices that will just lead to a price to be paid. hmmm
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hiya [Dec. 21st, 2008|09:25 am]
Kusari
It's December 21st, it is. Just went through one of the toughest weeks I've ever experienced. Oh my.

it was finals week last week, and with only two tough finals to study for I wasn't too worried about a whole week that was free besides them. But then on the Thursday of the previous week, my supervisor brings up my hours from the kindergarten's perspective, and they're quite short. Apparently I had been at my practicum A LOT less than I thought I had been.

So I had to fill in lots of time during finals week, but all throughout I was worrying on how this situation was going to be resolved, as there was no way to do all my hours in the week. Finally, on Wednesday, during what should have been the final evaluation with my supervisor and faculty advisor, we came up with a plan for me to keep going to the practicum for the first month of next semester.

It's made me reflect a lot on how seriously I take long-term projects, and just how much more I need to keep developing to be the kind of professional I want to be. Discipline... argh discipline. Icky word, haha. Can't let anything like this ever happen again.

hmm
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From "Up High in the Trees" [Dec. 11th, 2008|04:55 pm]
Kusari
A special book, I want to remember it. And because of that, I'll write down the last page.

**

    It's a crawl space, I say.

    Mother told me this was the best place to hide in the whole house.
    I remember she wated for me to get home from school and she said, Let's disappear. We hid together and she held my hand in the dark. All the noise in her head went away.
    We won't come out, she said, until we're sure they miss us.
    Mother felt like she was disappearing and I felt like I was growing. She let go of my hand and I was everywhere in the dark.

    Woah, Jackson says, cool.
    I point my flashlight so we can see.
    Shelly pushes Jackson in first and then I go. Shelly comes in last. We sit, not talking. I point my flashlight startigh up at the low ceiling and the light shines back down on us.
    I listen to Dad's voice talking downstairs. I listen and wait to hear Leo's voice and Cass's voice, too. They're happy, sitting around the table. Dad's face is warm, I know, and his ears are red from laughing. Their voices make me safe.
    When Jackson pulls the short door all the way shut, I can't hear the voices talking to each other anymore, but I know they're still there.
    Turn the light off, Jackson says.
    I turn off my orange flashlight and the dark is so dark I can't see Jackson or Shelly. I can't see my legs or y arms or my hands. Shelly puts her hand on my face. She spreads her figers out on my cheek and holds her hand like that so she can know I'm still here. I listen to the quiet and I hear Jackson's nose sniffling. The dark is dark like the inside of my head. I can see Jackson like he's a picture. I can see him wiping his nose on the back of his hand, but really, I can't see him at all.
    Shelly giggles. I like this, she says.
    Shh, Jackson tells her.
    I think about how I want to be here, where I am right now.
    In the dark my body is growing, filling up space so that I can reach all the way to where Mother is. My chest is big and warm. I can feel time, my whole life stretching out and out.
    I know what to do. Tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. I'll take more pictures and my album will fill up.
    I promise, Mother, I'll remember everything.

**

Sebby, 8 years old, deals with his mother's passing. The way it's told is very... impacting.

*sigh*

see ya, readers.
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thoughts, once again [Dec. 4th, 2008|08:27 pm]
Kusari
So it comes to the fact that I write in my journal when I'm sad or so thoughtful I want to write down my thoughts. Usually I don't even want to write them, and end up mulling them over and letting them evaporate away.

It's funny that in the last three years -the last three Christmases- I've had two away from family, and have spent it fine and dandy away from any relative. I've simply had people who loved me and cherished me nearby. Very good hosts.

It's weird that this Christmas, when I have my mother and two brothers nearby to celebrate it with, I won't have my father, because he's back in Ecuador. When I say weird, I mean I'm consistently feeling sad about it. I don't usually feel very sad, there's always something that cheers me up soon. I think this time there's more to think about... more than just ME to think about, which makes the sadness last longer.

My father is alone (basically, he has relatives, but won't have us, or -more importantly- my mother) this Christmas in Ecuador so he can work to pay for the rented house in this little town as well as help in my own and my brother's college bills. The source of his loneliness is his drive to provide for us. He has been gone almost since the beginning of the semester (he was here during the summer), which is roughly four months now. He'll hopefully be returning in February, if all the paperwork comes through okay. Half a year away from his family... from his wife... I believe it's a first.

I guess I'm specially sad FOR him. I know he has God, and He is his comfort, but there's no denying that he will feel it, and feel it hard, these Christmas celebrations. Probably even feel alone among the crowds of extended family. We all know how that can be.

I love my father, and he is close to everything I want to be. This latest expression of love breaks my heart and makes me feel honored to be able to call myself his son. I want to continue to grow in maturity, thoughtfulness, self-lessness, and closeness with God, so I can be like him as I grow into adulthood.

Careful, next times talk about girls =O

Things with this girl I like are "fine." No decisions, no pressure. I care not to effect any. Less and less am I feeling sad, probably cuz I'm depending more thoroughly and more often in my faith. Alone I can't stand it, but accompanied I will always be able to stay on my feet. I love the girl, but it's clearly something more solid than just infatuation or "in love" stuff. But I have to wait, because we both know it's not time, and it may never be. I'm just remaining open to what occurs.

I could sit and describe her, in all her strengths and weaknesses... but I think I'll keep them to myself. For now I feel it's much more special that way (sorry future self).

Anywhoo, life is good, with God's help.

love ya, readers
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thoughts need to be written down or they'll overwhelm [Nov. 13th, 2008|08:57 pm]
Kusari
Gah.

Love is an overwhelming thing, I think. At least, I think this is love. The part that is bugging me right now is the infatuation, agh that stupid infatuation love. I feel she fits me just right, that we compliment each other amazingly, and that all I want to do is be around her.

Stress from classes reach a cusp, so my emotions run high. And when my emotions run high, I can easily fall into self-pity and heartache. Thankfully, outlets like this let me analyze my thoughts in an orderly fashion so I can think them through and try to deal with them.

Ack! It feels like such an insurmountable hole right now. One that nothing can fill, not even she can. So here my brain fights my heart, since I kind of know where I can find comfort... but I strangely don't want comfort right now. I want to feel the burn, feel the lowliness, feel the self-pity...

...but hah, as I write the words I realize it's so weird, so at odds with what I really want. I DON'T want to meander around in self-pity. It's annoying for me and anybody witnessing it. Making myself out to be the victim is silly. I have not suffered. I like a girl, but she's not ready for a relationship. Simplest way to put it, but nonetheless true.

...meh, it definitely hurts. When does it stop? I want to reach out to her but I must let her heal on her own. She's gotta stand on her own two legs....

...and so do I. I have to be able to deal with this without depending on other people to baby me and tell me everything will be all right. I CAN'T maintain a hope of a relationship. I have to give it up and see if God hands it back to me. I CAN'T be holding on to the least bit of it. The smallest strand has to be let go of.

It's so much easier to write in a journal when one has a big paper to write in one night. Definitely easier.

Well, I think I feel better now. Goody.

*wanders off*

see ya, readers
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MUHH today, November 10th [Nov. 10th, 2008|12:13 pm]
Kusari
Today's little reflection was especially applicable to this moment in my life, so I will copy down some parts for... posterity. I really wonder where God's going to take this, but I'm trying to let go of trying to direct it.

Heads up: the following involves Christian beliefs, you read at your own license.

From "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers
Read more...Collapse )

much to think about.

love ya, readers
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mark this day, buddy [Nov. 10th, 2008|12:39 am]
Kusari
Tonight I talked with Queri and told her, finally, that I liked her more than just as a friend. And she confirmed that she liked me back.

Interesting.
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What's my motivation? hmm.. [Oct. 29th, 2008|12:31 am]
Kusari
[My mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

"Shine" by newsboys

dull as dirt
you can´t assert the kind of light
that might persuade
a strict dictator to retire
fire the army
teach the poor origami
the truth is in
the proof is when
you hear your heart start asking,
"What´s my motivation?"

and try as you may, there isn´t a way
to explain the kind of change
that would make an Eskimo renounce fur
that would make a vegetarian barbecue hamster
unless you can trace this about-face
to a certain sign...

shine
make ´em wonder what you´ve got
make ´em wish that they were not
on the outside looking bored
shine
let it shine before all men
let´em see good works, and then
let ´em glorify the Lord

out of the shaker and onto the plate
it isn´t Karma
it sure ain´t fate
that would make a Deadhead sell his van
that would make a schizophrenic turn in his crayons
Oprah freaks
and science seeks a rationale
that shall excuse
this strange behavior

when you let it shine
you will inspire
the kind of entire turnaround
that would make a bouncer take ballet
(even bouncers who aren´t happy)
but out of the glare
with nowhere to turn
you ain´t gonna learn it on "What´s My Line?"

shine
make ´em wonder what you´ve got
make ´em wish that they were not
on the outside looking bored
shine
let it shine before all men
let´em see good works, and then
let ´em glorify the Lord
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