|thoughts need to be written down or they'll overwhelm
||[Nov. 13th, 2008|08:57 pm]
Love is an overwhelming thing, I think. At least, I think this is love. The part that is bugging me right now is the infatuation, agh that stupid infatuation love. I feel she fits me just right, that we compliment each other amazingly, and that all I want to do is be around her.
Stress from classes reach a cusp, so my emotions run high. And when my emotions run high, I can easily fall into self-pity and heartache. Thankfully, outlets like this let me analyze my thoughts in an orderly fashion so I can think them through and try to deal with them.
Ack! It feels like such an insurmountable hole right now. One that nothing can fill, not even she can. So here my brain fights my heart, since I kind of know where I can find comfort... but I strangely don't want comfort right now. I want to feel the burn, feel the lowliness, feel the self-pity...
...but hah, as I write the words I realize it's so weird, so at odds with what I really want. I DON'T want to meander around in self-pity. It's annoying for me and anybody witnessing it. Making myself out to be the victim is silly. I have not suffered. I like a girl, but she's not ready for a relationship. Simplest way to put it, but nonetheless true.
...meh, it definitely hurts. When does it stop? I want to reach out to her but I must let her heal on her own. She's gotta stand on her own two legs....
...and so do I. I have to be able to deal with this without depending on other people to baby me and tell me everything will be all right. I CAN'T maintain a hope of a relationship. I have to give it up and see if God hands it back to me. I CAN'T be holding on to the least bit of it. The smallest strand has to be let go of.
It's so much easier to write in a journal when one has a big paper to write in one night. Definitely easier.
Well, I think I feel better now. Goody.
see ya, readers