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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2008|07:57 am]
Goal: Pursue God consistently and put him first in my life.

Everything else will turn out fine if I do that. hmmm...
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(no subject) [Oct. 2nd, 2008|10:27 pm]
Before I forget, I want to note this day as a very lovely day with a great sort of bookend: a nice talk with Esther. I know who she is, so I don't need to describe her to you, journal. She's staff at the college and she's always been a kinda sorta mentor. The kind of person I know would be loving and caring and to-the-point in reviewing what I'm doing currently.

Anyways, the talk I randomly had with her was one of the best in a while. We laughed and were honest. She was happy that she had gained a deeper knowledge of me in the last few days and figured me out a bit more. She's been an interesting person to have around throughout my college career. She's been with me from the very beginning, when I was a freshie goofing off in the iTAG van with everyone. Often she's reminisced about those days, and those that followed, with me. According to her, I've matured a lot and grown to be a better, more responsible, more level-headed, young man. ^_^ It's a great thing to hear from someone who has no reason to say it besides being honest. Tonight was like that. She said that she saw me doing great things. She couldn't explain why she thought so, it apparently just came from the most intuitive part of her.

Now... off to more adventure.

toodles, readers
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reflecting on reading [Oct. 1st, 2008|09:34 am]
It's been a pattern of mine to look at the good in any situation I go through... to try to get something out of it. My friend Lei, through descriptions of her own way of living, indirectly encouraged me to look at every experience in life as something to learn from, be it a nice experience, or a difficult one.

But today in my devotions there was an interesting bit.... I'd like to write it out for future recalling:
"We are inclined to think that everything that happens is to be turned into useful teaching. In actual fact, it is to be turned into something even better than teaching, namely, character. The mountaintop [uplifting spiritual experiences with God] is not meant to TEACH us anything, it is meant to MAKE us something. There is a terrible trap in always asking, "What's the use of this experience?" We can never measure spiritual matters in that way.

Life lesson... or better yet, building character. Throughout these past months I've come to believe more and more strongly that my current self is not concrete, but liquid. It'll change with time, for better or for worse, in many different paths of my or God's choosing. Since God knows better, I'd rather it be God's choosing. But lest that sound like a cop out, I want to verbalize that for me that means that I make careful decisions that are prayed over and advised over, as opposed to going with decisions disconnected from God's influence.

In general, though, it's interesting to think about life experiences as building your personality, as opposed to conceiving yourself as a simple finished model that only need to fill its brain with wisdom. No... the model will be changed by the experiences too. It's never too late to change. Never.

see ya, readers ^_^
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Monday morning [Sep. 29th, 2008|09:34 am]
And so a new week begins. Last week was an interesting crazyness. Since it is the past now, I have this strange perception of it having gone by real quick, but at the same time remembering that it felt so very long. Was it only this past Friday that I had that exam? man... maybe it's that the weekend was just so long that I felt like last week was so long ago.

Fun at Cooper's for Saturday as I was orchestrating an event on Sunday I couldn't go to. Then being back on Sunday (sleeping in, then calling a friend up to chatter) and having a little foam sword-making event. Getting people interested is fun! And now I know the hall below mine has some interest in the weapons.

In my relationship life... well, it's just one big "I dunno." Attachment... commitment... I've explored these concepts this past weekend and I really do think that I'm still really new and inexperienced in relationships. I can flirt with the best of them, and be a true friend (I hope), but when it comes to a committed relationship, I'm still a teenager. Not immature as much as actually lost in the whole process.

I gotta make sure to keep pursuing my faith further as my up-top goal. Giving it time before studies, friends, and love. I want it to be top-most.
Hmm... my goal in life is to grow and get stronger... in God. But I also have to explore and criticize my faith. It's just generally tricky because I am conscious that I am really, really, really convinced of my own beliefs. It's a nasty conundrum where no argument has yet to convince me I shouldn't be a Jesus-follower, but there are still arguments that I can respect for their... strength. Some just can't be thrown aside, and must be explored. Why must there be only one path? All road's lead to Rome? Could my faith just be a facet of a greater experience? I don't know... I strongly believe that you can't be perfect, and can't earn "heaven." But what does that mean?

Need to think about it more... but ten to one I bet the day will keep me too busy... hmm

have a nice day, readers.
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reflecting more [Sep. 25th, 2008|12:08 pm]
So rereading my last post I think all the more...

There are certainly issues that I have that I will have to deal with as I live and grow. Am I truly afraid of commitment? Do I have a fear of falling out of love? Maybe I've been burned enough that I have this abnormal apprehension towards doing the same to others? Why is "friendship" so safe in my view? Why is it where I am most comfortable? Perhaps it's the fact that it doesn't expect much... and just flies by the handle of self-commitment with just tastes of feeling.

I consider friendships, even the label "friendship" to be of superb importance to me. I would die for my friends if need be, I'd keep on living for them, if need be. There's a sort of release I feel in being able to confidently, purely, unobtrusively, and fully love on my friends.

Of course I have my self-centered streak, but I really feel I learn a lot about myself when I interact with others. hmm...

A speaker in chapel some weeks ago challenged us to flip around the preconception about loving others. Usually we focus on getting closer to God so we can love others, and I've always seen the wisdom in it (after all, the unconditional love for friends and enemies is not quite natural in us humans). He flipped it around and suggested that the focus should (also) be on loving others SO that we get closer to God. It's in our relationships that we can see God working. I should listen to it again and see what he really said...

Anywhoo, toodles, readers
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(no subject) [Sep. 25th, 2008|10:42 am]
there have been interesting developments lately... but I'll go with a summary of events in general to order my thoughts better.

A summer friendship turns more into a summer romance at the asking of the girl. That in itself ranges from peace to confusion several times, with growth on both sides of the ship. The crux came some weeks into school, when my interest was caught by another girl. That in itself through things around and made me think of where I wanted to be. And so I bring up what I want to the first girl... to step away from romance, and to not hope for something specific in the future... it was getting claustrophobic, though I never really told it to her like that.

So I date this new girl twice, and the it's good, but then it just dies out. The interest just plain dies out. At the risk of sounding like a total arrogant idiot, she needs to mature more. But, well, that's obvious. She's... just not experienced enough yet, I guess. Whatever, where's she's at I can't and won't try to explain. I just know I grew uneasy even with just "no commitment, let's date" after a few days.

So now I wonder, truly, if it's mostly MY problem. Am I afraid of commitment? Maybe it stems from the fear of hurting those I hold dear, hurting friends. I'd rather cut it sooner than later, when more hurt can occur. Maybe that's it.

It was frustrating, when I realized I had lost interest. Both times it was frustrating. Though... heh... *smiles slightly* I've been asking God to lead me... perhaps he's been pulling at my heart and helping me along the path I've asked him... to be closer to him.

Perhaps I need more and more growth with God before even considering a relationship.

*grumbles sligthly* and I don't choose "nice Christian girls." I want someone who is passionate like I am about God, and is seeking to know him better and grow with him. And I want someone who can challenge me! I don't want a prim and proper maid who says "yes" to whatever I ask and focuses only on others as a way to avoid taking care of herself. I want an ally, a teammate, an advisor, a confidant.

One day I'll find that. Or maybe I won't. Both'll be fine. These past few days I really just have been completely neutral about wanting someone specific. No desires have been flowing or hitting at me. It's amusing...

Test to study for tomorrow, so I guess I shall be on my way through my busy day.

Here's to wanting only one thing in life... God.

see ya, readers
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Today's thought [Sep. 22nd, 2008|02:50 pm]
A poem from the Daily Bread book I'm reading these days:

When you see someone in need,
Love demands a loving deed:
Don't just say you love him true,
Prove it by the deeds you do.
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Sunshine on my face [Sep. 21st, 2008|12:36 pm]
I'm quite happy. Yes.... quite happy.

My faith keeps getting confirmed, and everything seems just right. Not in the perfect way, but in the way that tells me everything that happens has a purpose...

A talk with a friend that needed to happen happened last night. I had been worried over how it would turn out, but it really was just an amazing time of honesty, understanding, and smiles. Gosh, there aren't very many people out there who will simply accept you like Pala does. It's a piece of awesomeness.

Pop's gone to Ecuador for a few months. I need to be proactive about calling mom and littlest brother, or they'll just never hear from me. It bugs me that the college life I have easily distracts me from the family I have just a mile away.


toodles, readers.
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a good Saturday [Sep. 20th, 2008|01:12 pm]
In the space of three days much has been done. The most wonderful bit has been a more steady and daily communication with God. It's hard to describe the general peace that I'm feeling these days. Quite happy, I am.

I also had a date Friday, which was nifty. I wonder where that'll go.

In my daily devotion there was discussion of a verse in Matthew, but looking into it I even liked the whole last couple of verses in chapter 5... so I want to put them down.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

love ya, readers =)
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God's pretty neat [Sep. 17th, 2008|02:44 am]
So... now I have a very strong friendship with a girl on campus. It's pretty much awesome... very supportive and encouraging and honest. I got to know here randomly my Sophomore year, and even let her boyfriend stay in my room when he was visiting one weekend (he's a cool guy too). I'm glad to have had such a good person dropped in on my life (it's amusing because she'd vehemently deny such positive compliments).

I'm very happy, both because of that, and other things. Hope is good, thought ultimately the only hope I truly hold is in God. Depending on him... it's just the only sure thing. Everything else can fall away, but God will always be secure.

I suppose I sound delusional to some... but that's okay, it seems to be a delusion that just keeps on giving joy and happiness and peace. yaaaay ~_~

tah tah, readers
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