||[Sep. 25th, 2008|10:42 am]
there have been interesting developments lately... but I'll go with a summary of events in general to order my thoughts better.|
A summer friendship turns more into a summer romance at the asking of the girl. That in itself ranges from peace to confusion several times, with growth on both sides of the ship. The crux came some weeks into school, when my interest was caught by another girl. That in itself through things around and made me think of where I wanted to be. And so I bring up what I want to the first girl... to step away from romance, and to not hope for something specific in the future... it was getting claustrophobic, though I never really told it to her like that.
So I date this new girl twice, and the it's good, but then it just dies out. The interest just plain dies out. At the risk of sounding like a total arrogant idiot, she needs to mature more. But, well, that's obvious. She's... just not experienced enough yet, I guess. Whatever, where's she's at I can't and won't try to explain. I just know I grew uneasy even with just "no commitment, let's date" after a few days.
So now I wonder, truly, if it's mostly MY problem. Am I afraid of commitment? Maybe it stems from the fear of hurting those I hold dear, hurting friends. I'd rather cut it sooner than later, when more hurt can occur. Maybe that's it.
It was frustrating, when I realized I had lost interest. Both times it was frustrating. Though... heh... *smiles slightly* I've been asking God to lead me... perhaps he's been pulling at my heart and helping me along the path I've asked him... to be closer to him.
Perhaps I need more and more growth with God before even considering a relationship.
*grumbles sligthly* and I don't choose "nice Christian girls." I want someone who is passionate like I am about God, and is seeking to know him better and grow with him. And I want someone who can challenge me! I don't want a prim and proper maid who says "yes" to whatever I ask and focuses only on others as a way to avoid taking care of herself. I want an ally, a teammate, an advisor, a confidant.
One day I'll find that. Or maybe I won't. Both'll be fine. These past few days I really just have been completely neutral about wanting someone specific. No desires have been flowing or hitting at me. It's amusing...
Test to study for tomorrow, so I guess I shall be on my way through my busy day.
Here's to wanting only one thing in life... God.
see ya, readers